Scent

Hello! It's been a really really lazy in a good way kinda day. Strange though! I don't know why I felt like suchhh a light weight last night. Tbh, I don't really need to drink that much to even have a good night out. I feel as intoxicated just by having an espresso shot (with really good music and company to a night out) and I'm good 2 go! But I had a 1/2 a bottle of rose and not even a whole shot of tequila and I felt like I should've stopped there. Thank god I did! But the night was lovely, I danced a lot. I've realized that I really really do love funky soul and disco so much. I go maddddd. And I get really happy when people dance with me or tell me to dance more :-) and I also enjoy dancing alone in da club. Lol. It's always fun dancing anyway, especially with my eyes closed and when the beat is really working with you. It's always a good time. I'm always in a state of euphoria :-) :-) they were playing rock n' roll yesterday to such as "do the twist" and I honestly felt like I was in a dancing dream that I've always hoped for.

Anyway, I spent most of my day the day before moving out from this house. I'll miss it tho :-( just being alone and my routines, but I've learnt and learnt that changes happen and i've gotta stop being so sentimental and attached to almost everything I'm in. So yeah, moving out was a good workout! No complaints really! There's still a bit more to move out tomorrow (I just inhaled and exhaled really deeply I do not know if it was a subconcious sigh haha) but yeah, everything will be done by then!

I've really gotta learn to stress less and to actually think less about doing something and the process of doing it. I mean what I mean is, that I should learn to think about doing something and then do it. And to not think or imagine the process in my head too much. I live in my head too much. I swear. But I'm always learning anyway!

ASIDE from me aching and being well hungover this morning, I gave a call to this Japanese restaurant that needed a part-time worker. He sounded like such a cute old japanese man through the phone and then e-mailed them my cv. I hope he'll hire me or something. I really want experience and pocket money and a part-time job really sounds like such a good hype! I feel like it'll increase my confidence in doing things and you know. I will definitely learn a lot from it. We all learn from new experiences.

What else, I enjoy running and I miss running. Think I haven ran this week yet because of the weather and all of the moving. But it's okay, I know I will eventually!!

Oh and by the way! There is something that I want to share. Like why human beings are attracted to another human being is by a subconcious smell or scent that they release. Cz I have been wondeirng why am I always attracted to this person or that person out of many other attractive person (to me) in a room, like what causes me to be drawn to them most? And I've read that it's actually the hormones that they release and the hormones that we release (hormones by that, I mean scent) that has to do with the exchange of genetics for immunity levels (for off springs) and basically yeah, the more different the hormones for that immunity level or something, the more attracted both parties will be because their offpsinrgs will have a wider spectrum of immunity levels hence a healthier child and healthier offpsring which in a way made me feel happy and comforted when it comes to meeting someone. Liek why one person is attracted to another person aside from other factors is really HORMONES LOVE REALLY IS IN THE AIR IT'S MAD. I'm a sucker for things like that haha. That's why many women love the smell of their man even tho they stink. Like mum lovessss the smell of dad.

Now I understand though, on why I could have such a good time with someone and find someone really great and cool but not have chemistry where as have chemistry with other people and etc and vice versa. I don't know it just makes things make sense.

Okiedokie I am going to sleep now and wake up and have a lovely breakfast, do stretches and start moving and cleaning the house. I'll also be praying for that japanese job xxxx
goood night xx

Tings 2 share

These are the things I've learnt so far!

• Do not feel sorry for yourself when you are under achieving - realize that you think you are because you know your standards and where you stand, and then set yourself out there to achieve. Luck is bull shit (at times). 

• What you think might be deep and meaningful to you might not be for the other person. In reality, everything is different. Generalization will be generalization and statistics are statistics and numbers. Everyone is different, nothing is ever deep in a bigger scale.

• Do not expect for goods in return with the goods you give.

• Don't message or give a fuck about a fuck boy. He will remain and always will be a fuck boy in your life. Lock dat boy in the coldest part of your HEaRT.

• People around you trigger comparison of self (especially with social media and pictures). In reality; everyone is busy comparing themselves. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT. And that also; comparing isn't that a bad thing because it does make you wanna achieve bigger things. So compare in a healthy way :-) 

• Appreciate the beauty and glow of others. 

• You have people around you because you are great and your are capable of being loved. 

• Remember that people stick by you for a reason as you do for them. 

• Do not assume that people want to be your friend because they have other alter-motives. 

• Ignorance is bliss. People want to be your friend because they genuinely do like you and vibe with you. Isn't that a huge compliment?!

• Perception varies and perception is so personal. We are all different compounds. There isn't and I repeat, there isn't a general set of rules to what you consist of. 

• Fuck beauty standards. Beauty is an infinite spectrum.

• Stop eating when you're full. But also binge eat when u know it'll calm you down. Then eat lesser the following day. 

• Live and spread gratitude like you're gonna die the next day. 

• Spoilt milk is not yoghurt.

• If the cute boy at the basket ball court motivated you to go for a run (so you can catch a glimpse of him as you run) by all means, do it (I also imagine myself as Kendall Jenner when I run).

• There are greater and far more interesting things to be attracted and obsessed with other than the opposite sex. Appreciate it as that and leave it as that. 

• Communication with honesty and a smile is key. Never hold back yourself if you have anything insightful and positive to give.

• Not every guy you speak to in da club will turn out to be the (hopeful) love of your life. They might be cute and interesting but you both are drunk and flirty. Appreciate the night as that and float on. 

• You will cyber stalk the boys from the clubs. And think that they're well cute.

• Do not ghost people. Tell them that you're not interested and decide.

• It's ok if u get anxiety attacks and not pick up the phone when someone calls you. 

• Move on from that. 

• You will cry in the middle of the night thinking of an ex-lover.

• You will cry on the floor; with your back leaning to your bed thinking of things from home.

• Your mother will give you damn good advice such as, "u have to give your very best in what you do. Like baking. You have to put in the best ingredients to get the best results." And we are da motherfucking cupcakes. Use organic expensive shit for your mind, body and spirit. You'll smell and taste and feel lovely.

• It's ok to accumulate laundry till u have no underwear.

• It's okay to not wear bras and undies out CZ fuck Dat SHT.

• You will have shit days and good days. Your life is like ~~~~~~ that, and it's infinite.

• Do not smoke up loads the day before your submission. Then again, being sober or caffeinated is my fave state of mind.

• It's better to not have a night out before a job interview because stress levels might increase.

• People who look or seem cool aren't really that cool to you at times. And vice versa. 

• What you see about yourself is not what other people see of you. For example; you might think that you're a piece of shit but people will think that you're THE shit. Or, your friend might think they're a piece of shit but you're like "no what are you stupid? U r da shit. And I wouldn't wanna be friends with someone who is shit." 

• You  will be in the car with your parents and will lie in the back seat of your car with your legs up on its ceiling and hands fuck know's where and wonder to yourself "do 21 year olds do these?"

• Be politically aware of the world. You'll always be part of it. 

• Compliment people. If u like their dress or shoes. DO IT.

• Buy garlic powder.

• Open markets are the best.

• Walk wherever, whenever, to wherever, if you can.

• Coconut oil and soda bicarb is the best facial scrub ever.

• Pls do not mix your drinks and drink really quick if u wanna spend a lovely night out.

• REMEMBER TO OFF YOUR CURLING IRON.

• Bring an extra carrier with you when you're going out.

• Being a sketch book or loose sheets of paper when heading out.

• "Do you have a rizzler/tobacco/filter." Is definitely a chat up line.

• You don't owe anyone shit. We do it because we want to and vice versa.

• You will have to alter your CV many times and it's frustrating.

• You will do things out of curiousity and regret it the next day. But then the lovely side of it is that you know what you like and what you don't.

• You will spend annoying hours packing and unpacking and moving. And crying in between wondering why the fuck are you such a clothing hoarder and then feel ultra guilty for spending all of your parents money on clothes n promise yourself never to shop again and to get a job. 

• You see something nice and on sale and you get it. But it's ok. You'll get a job one day.

• It's PMS. You are not pregnant.

• Ramen nights are the best nights. 

• It's hay flu. You do not have cancer.

• Gals ALWAYS have other gal's back.

• The only man worth your time and concern is your dad. And you realize you don't really worry or have concern about him because he is a man. And you love him for that.

• Thing is about change is that once you apply it, the only way that "change" will realistically occur is when you practice it. Change has to be a routine for it to occur. 

There's more but.. Oh well, hehe loads of love,

Zoe x 

let it happen as it is

Hello! I just had my shower, brushed my teeth, washed ma face, and applied coconut oil to ma hair and ma face (creds to hals who has been doing this which influenced me to do it again). I remember the days where I would wash/scrub my face with coconut oil and soda bicarb and it did me good I swear. But I don't know why I stopped.

Anyway, whilst on the way back from my evening run, I had a thought! - "i should just allow life to happen."

We really should. Stop questioning your past mistakes, or stop spiralling down in future expectations but just allow life to flow in as it is with open arms. Many times I have (till now) cringe at the things I have done, the mistakes I have done and also get upset by things that do not come my way. But I believe that a lot of things and I mean exciting things in one's life happens when they just allow it to come in without thinking much about it, without wondering much about what the other party might thing e t c. But to just look back with a smile (because u know that u allowed life to happen), be patient and excited about the future (for example, to know that you're always improving yourself and having new thoughts and by cultivating new skills) WHILST also knowing that in every moment you're in, you're constantly greeting things and life with open arms. By just allowing the flow of life engulf me and take me over. And the ride is always very enjoyable :-)

Fings

~ image done w/ illustrator :-)

A friend told me that I am one who doesn't like change. And I think that that is true. But the thing about me is that, the paths that I constantly choose to take or constantly fall to, (all path's that I take are my choice in most percentage) requires change. But I am so oblivious to it. I have this heavy hearted feeling of something that I can't pin point and I guess that's just me constantly missing every situation that I have to let go off. No wonder heart break was so traumaziting for me. So was moving away from home and e t c.

I'm living alone in this home now temporary. And it's fine, I have no complaints. I have always known how to take care of myself. How to prep myself breakfast, food, make my bed. Make coffee, clean up the garden. Basic survival skills sht. I do hate doing laundry but I know I'll do it one way or another and I don't wait or need to be credited by these lmao. AND there are times where I have wished for other things but I tend to shun the wishes of because I have lived and learned to just embrace every situation that I am in and to not fantasize on the other places that I should or could be. But I can't help but constantly live in a spiral of misses, missed and miss.

This might be a personal level of opinion, but then again, I guess like many other people, they never did feel like they have "belonged" anywhere or to any social groups. But I strongly believe that as you grow, you realize that you don't belong to any thing that your mind has constructed socially; but that you belong to yourself and to whatever faith you hold on to strongly. You belong to the greatness of that. That is why I choose not to stick to a clique or have evolved myself to the point where I just don't! even if I don't think about it. There are times where I've missed having that "group of friends" but that was then, and that was great and they are there. And all these groups e t c are just mental constructs when in reality. Everyone feels lonely as you do, or as complete as you do. I've always preferred one off company anyway. I feel like I get more out of it. But you definitely get a good laugh with a group of people though! But now a days, it just seems so fast and quick. But that's all in the package I guess.

Anyway,

I miss home and I miss my parents and I miss my life there and what I established. And I always think of how I could've proceeded to possible "bigger" things if I stayed on and continued my process of growth in Malaysia. Then (and sometimes now) it felt or seemed that there was so much for me up there in KL, there was me living in an apartment, having that group of friends, knowing people and jsut having a great time! There was me with my family in JB, and just greatness all around! But I made a choice, because I thirst for curiosity and wanted to put myself out there into the unknown aka UK lol.

It's a strange feeling because at the back of my mind I feel as though I have paused my life over in Malaysia and I am beginning another set of life over here in UK. It sounds fucking bipolar, I know right? But it's true! Because I feel like here I am starting again from square one, not really knowing anyone over here and just having to put myself out here to gradually fall in and out of things.

I can't complain, things here have been fucking great. No complaints, the shit and goodness that I've put myself into, the great individuals I've met. But it takes time for me to fully adapt, and I think I'm in this strange stage in my life to adapt like how I did. It's odd having to explain. Or not odd, but my brain just can't seeem to cut the code. But I do strongly believe that the vibes back home and here's definitely different. Culturally, everything will be different. Nothing is ever the same. and I have to accept that.

I do not know where I am trying to get to but I guess all I can do right now is to constantly just love and care for those who are around me, continue taking care of myself, go for my damn runs, my damn butt and abs workouts, cook good food for myself, text my loved ones, call and I know that I should start reading more.

I am excited for my life. And I should stop waiting around for the bigger things because the bigger things are all in my hands out there for me to reach and nurture.