Fings

~ image done w/ illustrator :-)

A friend told me that I am one who doesn't like change. And I think that that is true. But the thing about me is that, the paths that I constantly choose to take or constantly fall to, (all path's that I take are my choice in most percentage) requires change. But I am so oblivious to it. I have this heavy hearted feeling of something that I can't pin point and I guess that's just me constantly missing every situation that I have to let go off. No wonder heart break was so traumaziting for me. So was moving away from home and e t c.

I'm living alone in this home now temporary. And it's fine, I have no complaints. I have always known how to take care of myself. How to prep myself breakfast, food, make my bed. Make coffee, clean up the garden. Basic survival skills sht. I do hate doing laundry but I know I'll do it one way or another and I don't wait or need to be credited by these lmao. AND there are times where I have wished for other things but I tend to shun the wishes of because I have lived and learned to just embrace every situation that I am in and to not fantasize on the other places that I should or could be. But I can't help but constantly live in a spiral of misses, missed and miss.

This might be a personal level of opinion, but then again, I guess like many other people, they never did feel like they have "belonged" anywhere or to any social groups. But I strongly believe that as you grow, you realize that you don't belong to any thing that your mind has constructed socially; but that you belong to yourself and to whatever faith you hold on to strongly. You belong to the greatness of that. That is why I choose not to stick to a clique or have evolved myself to the point where I just don't! even if I don't think about it. There are times where I've missed having that "group of friends" but that was then, and that was great and they are there. And all these groups e t c are just mental constructs when in reality. Everyone feels lonely as you do, or as complete as you do. I've always preferred one off company anyway. I feel like I get more out of it. But you definitely get a good laugh with a group of people though! But now a days, it just seems so fast and quick. But that's all in the package I guess.

Anyway,

I miss home and I miss my parents and I miss my life there and what I established. And I always think of how I could've proceeded to possible "bigger" things if I stayed on and continued my process of growth in Malaysia. Then (and sometimes now) it felt or seemed that there was so much for me up there in KL, there was me living in an apartment, having that group of friends, knowing people and jsut having a great time! There was me with my family in JB, and just greatness all around! But I made a choice, because I thirst for curiosity and wanted to put myself out there into the unknown aka UK lol.

It's a strange feeling because at the back of my mind I feel as though I have paused my life over in Malaysia and I am beginning another set of life over here in UK. It sounds fucking bipolar, I know right? But it's true! Because I feel like here I am starting again from square one, not really knowing anyone over here and just having to put myself out here to gradually fall in and out of things.

I can't complain, things here have been fucking great. No complaints, the shit and goodness that I've put myself into, the great individuals I've met. But it takes time for me to fully adapt, and I think I'm in this strange stage in my life to adapt like how I did. It's odd having to explain. Or not odd, but my brain just can't seeem to cut the code. But I do strongly believe that the vibes back home and here's definitely different. Culturally, everything will be different. Nothing is ever the same. and I have to accept that.

I do not know where I am trying to get to but I guess all I can do right now is to constantly just love and care for those who are around me, continue taking care of myself, go for my damn runs, my damn butt and abs workouts, cook good food for myself, text my loved ones, call and I know that I should start reading more.

I am excited for my life. And I should stop waiting around for the bigger things because the bigger things are all in my hands out there for me to reach and nurture.